Blow it out your...nose?

I, along with the some other 50 million Americans, can successfully say that I experienced G-d's worst punishment - allergies.

Tis the season for Kleenex (with aloe and Vicks of course), Allegra (and other decieftul medications), and noses rendering you looking like Rudolph.

April - May encompasses what many people know (and deteste) as "allergy season". It derives its essence from the numerous blooming perennial flowers. Perennial flowers are flowers that bloom seasonally, yet are a blossom of a resiliant plant, such as a shrub or tree. They bloom, we sneeze, they die off, then they wait a couple of months and repeat.

Fortunately, the American marketing firms have teamed up with the pharmaceutical groups to produce items such as Allegra, Zertec, Claritan, and many other "solutions" to the suffering endured by many. However, how much do these products help?

Here is an allergic reaction in a nutshell:

Allergens are anything that can trigger an alergic reaction in your body. Typically, they are things like foods, pollen, dust mites, etc. These allergens enter your body through any number of ways (inhaliation, indigestion, injection, etc.) and begin latching onto your bodies finitely numbered mast cells. See picture at left. As your body's mast cells attempt to defend against the intruding allergens, it produces an allergic reaction (sneezing, swollen sinus glands, swollen esophagus). So, as your body attempts to regain equilibrium, the side affect are the unwanted symptoms that define allergies as we know them.

Here's where it gets fun: the medicaitons that are produced and prescribed have nothing to do with your body's immune system or mast cells. In fact, the sole purpose of them is to sedate the mast cells natural tendency to defend against intruding allergens. So, these meds are essentially duct-taping the mouth of your body telling you that its being attacked. Real nice, huh??

Anyway, as the globe spins and seasons change, just remember, if you can tough it out for one more season, you may just outgrow those allergies that made you "that kid" in elementary school. I was and I did.

Read on my followers,

Abe Froman, the once allergy-ridden yet still Sausage King of Chicago

Always double-down on an 11

Some advertisements claim that America runs on Dunkin'......I think we all know that America runs on fast food. McDonalds vs. Burger King, Hardees vs. Rallys, Jack in the Box vs. Sonic...you name it. While the battle for fattening supremacy continues, it is safe to say that the well being of American society is always the loser. See the below pic..

The battle royale over royale with cheese may finally have come to an end. Introducing the 1380 milligrams of sodium packed DOUBLE DOWN from KFC. This monstrosity contains 540 calories and 32 grams of fat.
Take two fat pieces of fried chicken and stuff inside of it bacon, monteray and pepper jack cheeses, and their signature "special fat sauce."

The average person burns about 100 calories with every mile they run. 1 Double Down=5.4 miles, just short of a 10k.
The recommended level of sodium per day is 1500 milligrams, for a fatass that is.
While doing some research on the company website, I found the slogan for the manwich... “Don’t just feed your hunger … crush it!”
The only justification of this phenomenon is that KFC could not, and would not, be outdone by any fat factory in the world. How can you defend identity as the "finger lickin' good" chicken palace while offering sandwiches with bread? Bread??? That just would not be realistic. If you want to be a man now-a-days you gots' to be a fatass. Quite frankly, the more I think about it, just being fat is like just being kind of cool. Times are changing, and super-fat is the new age fat.

Well, folks, thats all for now. Just make sure that next time you Double Down you make sure not to bite into your finger. Just because its' finger lickin good doesnt mean its good to lick (or eat) your fingers. Just sayin'

Good Ol' 9th Green at 9 Trick

As of Sunday night, the glamorous Master's golf tournament comes to a final close. Phil Mickelson, the 40-year-old, three time Master's winner, and husband to a walking bombshell, walks away with yet another turf-colored green Jacket. Can only imagine the un-disclosed amount of winnings he earned. Sorry Tiger, better luck next year...

The Master's is a tournament one of utmost respect. As one of the highest respected tournaments in golf, the Master's is regarded as the tournament of champions. They are posh, they know it, and they don't give a flying golf ball.

Fun Master's Facts:

• The only let Tiger Woods (a semi-African American golfer) play on their all-white course because of prior credentials. Who says racism is dead?
• An announcer was once fired from his station for referring to the spectators of the tournamet as the "crowd" and not the "patrons". Seriously?
• The color of the fairway matches the victor's jacket color to the mili-pixel. O.C.D. style.
• Two of the signers of the Deceleration of Independence are buried in Augusta, Georgia, home of the Master's tournament. The real American dream.
  
• Fred Couple's a top competitor of this years competition, finishing 2 under, has been a major contender since 1984 (only winning once in 1996). Keep on truckin' old man, keep on truckin'.
  

Golf, once believed to be an acronym for Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden, is now a sport of versatility. With a 16 year Asian old on tour, a few chicks here and there, and even Happy bringing new sings to the game, there is no telling where the sport will go next.

Even Charles Barkley's workin out his kinks, now lets see yours...



Until next time fellas,
Abe Froman

Straight Foamin'

Sleep has never been better. Bed has never been more comfortable. Waking up has never been harder.
I was recently introduced to the 8th wonder of the world, Memory Foam.

At first it was just another bedroom addition but it slowly turned into an undeniable force of habit.
My alarm clock was set for 8 am. Both eyes opened right on time. My refreshed, sober body was ready for the day ahead.
I felt paralyzed. I laid motionless for three hours without any concern for the outside world. Before I knew it, my life was forever changed. Memory Foam=Miracle Foam.


What is memory foam?
A Polyurethane based combination of chemicals added together to form the most powerful source of comfort.
Created in 1966, by Nasa, to improve the safety of aircraft cusions.
First sold by a Swiss company, Tempur-Pedic Swedish Mattress

Why is it crucial to the well being of America?
Memory foam has an open cell structure that reacts to body heat and weight by 'moulding' to your body, helping relieve pressure points, preventing pressure sores, etc.
Everybody needs to sleep. The world-renown Mayo Clinic in Cleveland states that the adult body should sleep 7-8 hours a night.

Caution:
Memory Foam is the second leading cause of obesity in American adults, just a few percentage points behind Hardee's.
There have been some reported cases of people sleeping for 140+ hours at a time.
Too much napping can actually lead to a strange disorder called African Potbelly Disease. However, less than 60% of memory foam snoozers end up with this disorder.

Nonetheless, Memory Foam is the definition of a life changer. From putting back on that holiday ham straight fat 7 lbs, to skipping whatever daily requirements may be in order, to unfairly convincing yourself that you are a "sleep scientist," memory foam has a special role for everyone.
Try it, I dare you!

I LOVE TROLLS!

I will prelude this story by saying it is something that i find amazing.

My brother this past weekend told a story that went something like this:

He has a friend with a half brother that is mentally handicapped......no not like nate.....really handicapped. He is a functioning adult with down syndrome, and lives at home with his mother, he also is OBSESSED with the lord of the rings. His mother went to work and called home to check on him

Mother: Hi son how are you doing?

Son: Mother I am fine, but I am very busy playing with my troll I have to go.

Mother: Ok son I will call you back in a few hours to see how you are.

Son: Ok mother goodbye

A few hours go by and the mother calls home again

Mother: Hi son how are you?

Son: Mother I thought I told you I am busy guarding my troll and you are bothering me.

Mother: Ok well have you eaten lunch yet?

Son: NO MOTHER, I told you I am very busy guarding my troll, goodbye mother.

Mother: I will call you back in a few hours

A few hours go by again and thinking this is a bit strange she calls home a third time.

Son answers phone and without a word from his mother:

Son: WHAT IS IT? I AM GUARDING MY TROLL LEAVE ME ALONE.

(SLAMS PHONE)

The mother knowing that something is wrong tells her supervisor she needs to go home and leaves. She arrives home and as soon as she walks in the front door she hears banging coming from upstairs. She quickly goes up the stairs and goes into her sons room. The banging is coming from his closet, she quickly runs over to the door and opens it. To her surprise a midget comes flying out of the door and quickly runs out the door and the house.

What happened you ask?

The son opened the front door to a U.S. census taker, thought he was a troll from lord of the rings (never seeing a midget in real life) and quickly scooped him up and brought him up to his room and put him in the closet and was guarding the door so the "troll" couldn't escape.

WALA

Rainman

The hiatus is over. I offer a sincere apology to our followers, readers, and members of the MC Fraternity.
WIthout further ado, allow the blockade to crumble and the power to be restored. The Bitch is Back!

There was no real reason for time off. Senioritis, procrastination, hunger, whatever-you name it. I was honored yesterday to be bombarded with a blog topic. It was as if I was little Eli Manning and the topic was Trent Cole coming around the edge just blowing me up.

The Rainman

So yesterday in Chicago it was raining-not very hard, but there was a bit of precipitation. As in many major cities, when people see rain, they immediately believe they are John Cusak in 2012 trying to protect themselves from the end of the world.
I was running a bit late to my night class when I was crossing the street from Walgreens to class. As if the rush hour crowd paired with rainfall wasn't enough of a challenge to battle, I had to take on just as many fucking umbrellas as I did people.
I honestly believe people love rain. They love rain because they love umbrellas. They love umbrellas because they are an easy source to hide behind and they can continually commit aggravated assault with the umbrella edges only to follow with a simple "sorry." I will now attempt to put these criminals into their own respective groups:

1. The dickhead golf guy

Heres the dude in the business suit who hates playing golf but loves to wear the apparel. He' been playing for years and never broke par. He seldom takes score, but when he does, he makes sure that there is an immense amount of alcohol flowing so no one really remembers if the scores are correct. One drop of rain and big Philly Mickelson is pulling out this 7ftx7ft Ping umbrella that resembles a B52 bomber. Watch your appendages ladies and gentlemen, this guy does not hold back. They always say "if you're not winning, you're losing." However, in regard to the golf umbrella guy, if you're not under the umbrella, you're in big fucking trouble.

2. Half-assers

These are the folks who just cant let go of anything. Whether it be their unused timeshare in Bermuda, or that shitty Pontiac Sunfire that still works for some reason, or that wallet that is just dying to die. These umbrellas are the biggest weapons of all. Not because of their sheer power or size, but because of their mysteriousness. Sharp metal, flailing plastic, and a viscous holder is the recipe for disaster. This guys is always in a hurry and never willing to make a sacrifice by moving out of the way. Be aware readers, these guys-or girls-have no regard for outside life. You see this, you run.

3. The pretty pretty princesses

Here are all of those women who think they are an extra in Breakfast at Tiffany's. These fine ladies do not even allow for the chance of a bit of rain getting on their chancletas. These women are not as big of a threat to others as the previous 2, but they generate their own problems. If you really needed to talk to one of these ladies-say, if there was a need for directional assistance or the need to let them know that they dropped their purse-oh hell no. Such gals could be on Mars for all we know. They got that iPod mini bumpin Beyonce and there on their way. When it rains, it allows these wannabe babes to enter their own little dome without even the thought of connecting with the outside world.

4. Ass clowns

Here are the fellas who want to make it seem like they dont give a damn about no rain. However, in all reality, they envy the previous 3 umbrella types mentioned above. They grab their NYC metro-and after attempting to finish the crossword puzzle, they make a stupid hat that they learned to make in preschool. Im not sure who taught these fools that a newspaper over your head will keep you dry, but clearly it wasn't Billy Nye the Science Guy. This is a joke. At best, it keeps your hair a bit dry, but say goodbye to your shoes and pants. Man what fools! Although they do not really endanger the surrounding public, they can drive the community into insanity. If you see these guys, also run away. There is a good chance they are going to ask you for some change or to donate to GreenPeace.

See you too soon, folks.
P-D-G

The Fat (Ass) Sandwich

Among New Brunswick's claims to fame are: The Scarlet Knight's 2006 victory over Louisville, Donald Sutherland, and the Greece Trucks.

These mobile obesity advocates began in the 1980's with a limited menu selection that has since then, grown immensely. Their creation's began when a drunken individual, Darrell, stumbled up to the window and demanded some of the worlds most un-healthy items to be wrapped up in dough and dubbed the concoction the "Fat Darrell". Yum!

Ingredients:

• French Fries
• Chicken Fingers
• Mozzarella Sticks
• Marinara Sauce
• Lettuce & Tomato (to balance nutrition)
• Crack Cocaine

If that line up doesnt make you vom a tablespoon of your last meal into the back of your mouth, then youve probably had one before and possibly even enjoyed it. Shit, I know I have. (Eaten one, not the vom part)

Anyway, here's where most of the attraction comes from; if you are able to eat three of these suckers in under fifteen minutes, you not only get to coin the creation you have just concocted, but you can name it as well. Perffect market for drunk college students stumbling down College Ave at 3:00 am.

Americans, being the fattest basterds on the face of the earth, put that challenge to shame. Man Vs. Food's Adam Richman even attempted the feat but was turned down.

There are now over 24 official Fat Sandwiches. However, there are many unofficial ones, my favorite being the Fat Bitch, which has become dubbed as the Fat Beach for label purposes.

In reaction to this challenge being absolutely destroyed by upcoming classes of fat asses, the challenge has now upped to five sandwiches in under an hour. FIVE SANDWICHES! This is not only abnormal, its inhumane. We have become the culture that rewards our own ability to defy human nature; eating to the point of discomfort and then being pleased with a rewarding outcome. God Bless America.

Typical events that occur in the parking lot of the Greece Trucks:

• Indian "gangsters" trying to pick fights. Generally with no avail.
• A bare chested girl - did I mention this is a college town?
• Someone you know, want to know, or wish you hadn't known.
• Policemen sitting in cars idly. Serve and protect baby.
• Rafi Richman bumming cigarettes from anything with a heartbeat.

If your ever in the New Brunswick/Rutgers area, stop by theses truly unique trucks and if you dont order one of your own, at least stop to check out the scene, which should certainly be entertaining.

Your Fellow American,

Abe Froman