Marketing gone Mad

Thanks to our genius friends on Madison Avenue, we have now possibly the worst marketing idea to hit the streets since Digimon key chains.

In the Spring of 2010, MillerCoors introduced a new concept that they believed would revolutionize the "pour", the "chug" and the "dump beer on your passed our frat buddy". Its called the Vortex Bottle and it has - no way! - specially designed grooves. Supposed to create a more even flow of "that great pilsner taste" as it comes through the corkscrew bottle neck.

A bit like a ribbed Trojan condom, the interior of the bottle has grooves that resemble the barrel of a gun. Yes, thats right. The Miller Vortex bottle took drinking to THAT level.

The idea behind the stupidity is that the beer will actually get caught in what is known as the coriolis effect as gravity forces it to take a downward-centripetal force. This effect can be seen as a toilet bowl flushes or in an elementary classrooms with our favorite two-liter toy. Those things were flippin sweet!



Did MillerCoors actually expect us to chug for more than 3 seconds while spinning our bottle/heads in a circular motion to get maximum velocity? This is beer were talking here! Are we forgetting that the average college student hold onto a bottle of beer for, maybe, ten minutes? C'mon man, lets focus our attention on better things. Really.

I actually had the privilege of trying one of these out. As I purchased the 18-pack of bottle necks, I unintentionally grabbed the one that came equipped with such baggage. No wonder they were so cheap. Myself, as well as three other accomplices were mezmerized as we peered into the innovative neck appearance, all wondering how it would affect our consumption. Not one bit.

I've heard of some dumb ideas - I highly recommend you check them out for an absolute laugh -but I believe this one takes the cake. Clearly, some things are for some people and not others. But this has absolutely no affect on it whatsoever.

If you see a case at the liquor store, pick one up and try it. At least they're cheaper than normal bottlenecks.

Keep chugging my friends,

Abe Froman

Blow it out your...nose?

I, along with the some other 50 million Americans, can successfully say that I experienced G-d's worst punishment - allergies.

Tis the season for Kleenex (with aloe and Vicks of course), Allegra (and other decieftul medications), and noses rendering you looking like Rudolph.

April - May encompasses what many people know (and deteste) as "allergy season". It derives its essence from the numerous blooming perennial flowers. Perennial flowers are flowers that bloom seasonally, yet are a blossom of a resiliant plant, such as a shrub or tree. They bloom, we sneeze, they die off, then they wait a couple of months and repeat.

Fortunately, the American marketing firms have teamed up with the pharmaceutical groups to produce items such as Allegra, Zertec, Claritan, and many other "solutions" to the suffering endured by many. However, how much do these products help?

Here is an allergic reaction in a nutshell:

Allergens are anything that can trigger an alergic reaction in your body. Typically, they are things like foods, pollen, dust mites, etc. These allergens enter your body through any number of ways (inhaliation, indigestion, injection, etc.) and begin latching onto your bodies finitely numbered mast cells. See picture at left. As your body's mast cells attempt to defend against the intruding allergens, it produces an allergic reaction (sneezing, swollen sinus glands, swollen esophagus). So, as your body attempts to regain equilibrium, the side affect are the unwanted symptoms that define allergies as we know them.

Here's where it gets fun: the medicaitons that are produced and prescribed have nothing to do with your body's immune system or mast cells. In fact, the sole purpose of them is to sedate the mast cells natural tendency to defend against intruding allergens. So, these meds are essentially duct-taping the mouth of your body telling you that its being attacked. Real nice, huh??

Anyway, as the globe spins and seasons change, just remember, if you can tough it out for one more season, you may just outgrow those allergies that made you "that kid" in elementary school. I was and I did.

Read on my followers,

Abe Froman, the once allergy-ridden yet still Sausage King of Chicago