Rainman

The hiatus is over. I offer a sincere apology to our followers, readers, and members of the MC Fraternity.
WIthout further ado, allow the blockade to crumble and the power to be restored. The Bitch is Back!

There was no real reason for time off. Senioritis, procrastination, hunger, whatever-you name it. I was honored yesterday to be bombarded with a blog topic. It was as if I was little Eli Manning and the topic was Trent Cole coming around the edge just blowing me up.

The Rainman

So yesterday in Chicago it was raining-not very hard, but there was a bit of precipitation. As in many major cities, when people see rain, they immediately believe they are John Cusak in 2012 trying to protect themselves from the end of the world.
I was running a bit late to my night class when I was crossing the street from Walgreens to class. As if the rush hour crowd paired with rainfall wasn't enough of a challenge to battle, I had to take on just as many fucking umbrellas as I did people.
I honestly believe people love rain. They love rain because they love umbrellas. They love umbrellas because they are an easy source to hide behind and they can continually commit aggravated assault with the umbrella edges only to follow with a simple "sorry." I will now attempt to put these criminals into their own respective groups:

1. The dickhead golf guy

Heres the dude in the business suit who hates playing golf but loves to wear the apparel. He' been playing for years and never broke par. He seldom takes score, but when he does, he makes sure that there is an immense amount of alcohol flowing so no one really remembers if the scores are correct. One drop of rain and big Philly Mickelson is pulling out this 7ftx7ft Ping umbrella that resembles a B52 bomber. Watch your appendages ladies and gentlemen, this guy does not hold back. They always say "if you're not winning, you're losing." However, in regard to the golf umbrella guy, if you're not under the umbrella, you're in big fucking trouble.

2. Half-assers

These are the folks who just cant let go of anything. Whether it be their unused timeshare in Bermuda, or that shitty Pontiac Sunfire that still works for some reason, or that wallet that is just dying to die. These umbrellas are the biggest weapons of all. Not because of their sheer power or size, but because of their mysteriousness. Sharp metal, flailing plastic, and a viscous holder is the recipe for disaster. This guys is always in a hurry and never willing to make a sacrifice by moving out of the way. Be aware readers, these guys-or girls-have no regard for outside life. You see this, you run.

3. The pretty pretty princesses

Here are all of those women who think they are an extra in Breakfast at Tiffany's. These fine ladies do not even allow for the chance of a bit of rain getting on their chancletas. These women are not as big of a threat to others as the previous 2, but they generate their own problems. If you really needed to talk to one of these ladies-say, if there was a need for directional assistance or the need to let them know that they dropped their purse-oh hell no. Such gals could be on Mars for all we know. They got that iPod mini bumpin Beyonce and there on their way. When it rains, it allows these wannabe babes to enter their own little dome without even the thought of connecting with the outside world.

4. Ass clowns

Here are the fellas who want to make it seem like they dont give a damn about no rain. However, in all reality, they envy the previous 3 umbrella types mentioned above. They grab their NYC metro-and after attempting to finish the crossword puzzle, they make a stupid hat that they learned to make in preschool. Im not sure who taught these fools that a newspaper over your head will keep you dry, but clearly it wasn't Billy Nye the Science Guy. This is a joke. At best, it keeps your hair a bit dry, but say goodbye to your shoes and pants. Man what fools! Although they do not really endanger the surrounding public, they can drive the community into insanity. If you see these guys, also run away. There is a good chance they are going to ask you for some change or to donate to GreenPeace.

See you too soon, folks.
P-D-G