Saturday, May 1, 2010

Kentucky fried Derby

First Saturday in May people. Located at Church Hill Downs in Louisville, Kentucky, this 1 1/4 mile race is known to many in America as "The most exciting 2 minutes in sports." Aside from offering viewers the opportunity to watch a televised production of animal cruelty combined with public indecency, the Kentucky Derby allows people to convince themselves that they actually give a shit about the medieval sport.
Not many sporting events grind my gears as hard as the Kentucky Derby does. Hundreds of people make their way to Louisville every May to punch their overpriced tickets to gain entry to the "infield" where they get rained and pooped on all the while paying $10 for warm Amstell Lights.
Sure, buying a $2 bet makes you at least somewhat interested in the race, but it certainly does not turn you into a gambling pro or a horse racing fan. While watching the disgrace race on NBC, its not surprising to witness mile-highs (big winners) and valley lows (people realizing they may have lost everything on that stupid "to-win" bet on Big Brown.
While walking around Chicago on today's "derby day" I had to try hard from losing my mind and throwing a drink on some punk in a pink sears-sucker suit. People were hammered and dressed to the nines. Bow ties, three piece suits, and those dod damn hats.
Seriously, what other American event causes people to literally strain their necks with 15lbs. of just junk on their heads? I mean women literally plop on their fat heads what looks like an Easter basket. You don't see people painting themselves red, white, and blue for July 4th.
Take this post as a PSA or a plea...people, there are 365 more days until the next Kentucky Derby, please, try harder everyday to remove yourself more and more from the god-forsaken sport of derby racing.

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